Friendships

I have been reading a book called 'How to be a Happy Mum', and found the section on friendships quite interesting. It made me reflect on being a mum and the friendships you find and lose over time.

A lot of mums feel very isolated when they first have their babies. They have moved from the working world where they had day to day interaction with their colleagues, and often socialised of an evening or weekend, to a world where the baby is the number one communicator, and socialising takes second place to sleep where ever possible.

If you are very lucky, your friends are having babies at the same time as you, but for the majority of us, timing doesn't quite work like that.

Suddenly being home with the baby can be very lonely, and you have to make an effort to have adult interaction. I know for me, getting out of the house and at least being amongst other people is an important part of the day, even if it is just going to the park or shops, where I have a brief chat with the teller or the mum whose child is on the swing next to mine. Mothers' Group was great. It forced me to meet other mums with children the same age, got me out of the house and socialising, and was a great source of advice and reassurance especially in those early years. But having said that, five years on it has drifted apart and we have moved away from the area so catching up is hard and the kids no longer really know each other.

It's just another example of the transient nature of friendships once the children have come along. I have made friends since Holly was a baby, through Mothers Group, a pregnancy yoga class I attended, and with mums of the kids I looked after in Family Day Care. But, as the children attended different classes and then different pre-schools, friendships have dwindled and we've moved on.

When my first was little, we saw one friend with a child the same age almost every week. As the girls started pre-school and we both moved areas, catching up became more difficult and less frequent, but we still spoke regularly. The two girls went to each others' 4 year old birthday parties last year, but I have to say Holly had to be persuaded to invite this friend, and I suspect it was the same the other way round. Our children have other friends and neighbours they see every day or every week, and the old friendship turned out to be an adult friendship and not a child one. My friend and I ended up having a chat about birthdays, and accepted that we wouldn't be offended if our children didn't want the other one at their next party. After all, they were not likely to see each other very much and would have a whole host of pre-school friends to invite. But, the important thing was, that we agreed that as adults we could still have a friendship even if the children didn't.

But, a year on, 5 year old birthdays have been and gone, and it hasn't happened. We last caught up properly about 8 months ago, and Holly played with her brother, and my friend's two played with each other. I have phoned a few times since, and she squeezed in a quick catch up at the shops in between the sales, but since then, I've not heard back. I feel like I've been dropped. There's a part of me that mourns the loss of a friendship. And because it's my nature to, I worry that I've done something wrong.

But if I think about it, that's the way it goes when you have children. It's hard to maintain a friendship that came about through the children, when they no longer see each other regularly, and let's face it, don't particularly warm to each other when we do catch up. For us mums, catching up for a drink, or a movie in the evening seems like a good idea, but in reality, we don't even do this much with our own hubbies, so making time for a girly night out, when we live 30 minutes drive apart is a tricky one.

So which friendships do survive? For me, it's the friendships I had pre-kids, that have survived. We all have children now, of different ages, but it's not about them so much as about us. For others, it's those who they spend time with away from the kids; a mum's weekend away without the interruption of children, or an evening with the girls that's let them develop a relationship beyond the children.

Pre-school has been a good source of adult contact. Last year it was mainly hellos and how are yous. This year we have a chat and the kids play together, we've been to the social events and even the guys are getting to know each other.

Even so, as we face the move from pre-school to school next year, this year's friendships will move on. Our children are going to different schools, so we'll naturally socialise with a different group of parents, and let's face it, with the busy life of a 5 year old to plan around, there won't be much time for grown up socialising. But the 3 year old will be at pre-school and I'll be an old hand, happy to have a chat with new mums as they too look for a bit of adult contact and maybe even a friendship.

The demise of a Mothers' Group

My Mothers' Group is breaking up. We are no longer one, but many. It has splintered and split, and some are taking it badly.

This breakdown started over a year ago and our babies, who brought us together in the first place, are now 4 1/2.

The latest example is an invitation for New Year's Eve, that went to some, but not all mothers, with a footnote saying how the invitees were those people most important to the host. How do we, the non invited, know? Well, some of the girls aren't quite as loyal to the breakaway group as they might like to think.

And at least one of the non invited is hurt, quite rightly so, as New Year's Eve invitations have been to all, in the past, and she doesn't understand why one person should choose to split a group.

I'm lucky; I can take a step back from this. We moved away 2 years ago, so my catch ups with the group have been limited and, although I'm pretty sure I would not have been included in the special sub group for New Year's Eve, I can tell myself it's my decision. I've moved on.

So is this inenvitable? For the lucky few, Mothers' Group survives the distance. The kids are pictured together in the local paper at the age of 18, next to a photo of them as babies at their first get together. For most of us, let's get real!

Mothers' Groups are a fantastic idea, a great way of meeting other mothers with babies the same age. They provide support and a social outlet for mothers who might otherwise feel a bit isolated. An informal way of getting and giving advice, swapping stories and hopefully making friends. But let's face it, we, the mothers, did not choose each other. We were put together by the midwives from the clinic and it was up to us what happened after the first few weeks. Bravo to us I think, that we have survived this long.

Personally, I have never had any conflict with another mum in our group, but I've never quite felt I've fitted in. Our priorities in life are different. The restaurants they choose to have mothers group dinners at are too expensive, their kids have been on the waiting list for private school since birth, holidays and facials, the latest purchases and fashions are a major part of conversation, and they spend too much on our kids' birthdays. It just isn't me. I can't justify spending over $100 on dinner with mothers' group when I don't even do that with the other half. And spending money on nice clothes is not a priority when you spend half your time on your hands and knees and have a permanent shoulder decoration made up of baby vomit, dribble and whatever we had for lunch.

Anyway, I digress. The point is, you can't expect a Mothers' group to last for ever. People are bound to form friendships within the group. Some take their kids to the same activities and see more of each other. Some of the children end up at the same pre-school, some live round the corner from each other and meet at the park. The kids start kindy, the mums start going back to work and schedules just don't work anymore.

And in reality it's not just the mums. Frankly my kids are less interested in catching up with the mothers group than I am. They don't want to play with kids they haven't seen for 6 months. They'd rather play with each other or the kids next door.

So, it is time to let go. Friendships change over time, especially in these early years. The kids determine who you meet, through pre-school, play groups, swimming lessons, kindy gym, dance or what ever you have in their busy little schedule. If you're lucky you'll find someone you click with and another frienship will begin.